I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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