wakey wakey hands off snakey
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
