i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
