this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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