I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
