We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
