so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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