My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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