omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
babies were throwing up all over the place
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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