Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
