Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
