There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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