dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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