I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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