i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
