he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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