I just pynch a tree in the face
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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