We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
