I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
