I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
