I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
