tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just cropdusted the office
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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