I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
