I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
