I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
