I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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