i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
