Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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