I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize