Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
