Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
