yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
