sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Too much gin, very little bucket
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
