it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
