see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
