Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
