Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize