Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Where did you get a picture of my penis
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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