Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
