He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
