saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
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