He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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