he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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