feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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