I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There's always time for handjobs
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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