I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I have already put on my inside pants.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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