I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
