you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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