So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize