oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
