a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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