I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
