I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
