I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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