apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
