my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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