you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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