He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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