she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My cat gives me a boner
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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