I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
