At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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