You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
