3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
