Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
