My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
