Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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