There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
