Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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