My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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