I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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