So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
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