I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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