I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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