I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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