the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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